“Armed, Against My Will

By Kerri Raissian

I have a lot of roles. I am a wife, mother, daughter, public health researcher and family violence survivor. I have spent most of my life advocating for policies that keep people and communities safe from violence — including gun violence. At times, I am also a permitless handgun carrier. While many might think these things cannot coexist, they often do. Let me explain.

My abuser lives in Texas, and I live in Connecticut. Generally, I can keep a safe distance, but every now and again, when I am in Texas, I know I am not safe. I know that if he found me, he would kill me. He’s told me how he’d kill me. He’s described it. He’s got a violent criminal record, has violated protective orders and has a history of drug abuse, complex and untreated mental health issues and a lifetime of poor choices. All this is to say: When he says he’d kill me, I believe him.

And yet, like many victims of violence, I’ve had trouble getting Texas law enforcement to believe me and follow through with meaningful action. I’ve reported harassment (terroristic messages, to be specific), violations of orders of protection and reasonable suspicion of firearm possession. I am lucky if I can even get my phone calls returned from the police.

This does not inspire feelings of safety. So like many firearm owners, on select trips to Texas, I have carried a handgun. I grew up around guns; I was born and raised in Texas, oscillating between Houston and our family’s farm two hours north. I know how to use them and am not afraid of them, but I am not a firearm enthusiast. In fact, I only carry a gun for self-defense. I would much prefer the police investigate his crimes and hold him accountable for his credible threats and other crimes.

People often cite “self-defense” as a reason for carrying firearms. It’s my reason, so that resonates with me. However, I think what’s lost is the resentment I feel for having to do so. I don’t want to live like this. I don’t want anyone to live like this.

I often hear, “We don’t need new gun laws, we just need to enforce the ones we have.” And this is where my public health research brain and lived experience brain come together. While strong evidence supports the adoption of some new laws and programs to curb gun violence, we most certainly should place strong emphasis on enforcing the laws we already have. In my case, as with so many other women, we know this would save lives.

I’d much prefer to both leave my gun at home and be safe from violence. In the meantime, I will carry when I think it’s necessary and when I can’t avoid the risk. I will carry to keep myself safe in Texas, but I will also, in my role as a research scientist, continue to advance research that might inform policies that can prevent violence — for myself and others.”